Today is my one year anniversary.
No, I'm not dating anyone. You're welcome, Mamma Linda.
It's the one year anniversary for the love of my life, myself.
I know. You just had a flashback to Parks and Recreation Treat Yo'self Day. No, that's not today. A year ago today I made a promise to start loving myself again.
Depression is jealous. It hates not being the center of your life and it wants to take over everything. My life revolved around depression and what it wanted for so long. I catered to its every need and listened to it when it beckoned me back and promised the love and care that I really could only get from my Heavenly Father. Depression is a liar, but it's also a drug.
A year ago, I almost gave my life to depression. I remember running around my house with my 'best friends' upstairs, begging depression to finally take control of my life. I had fallen so far from the true love of my life, Jesus, that settling for sadness as a lover was justified in my tear stained mind.
A year later I have rested in forgiveness. I forgave myself for hating the life I had created. I forgave the people who didn't realize how deep my pain really was. I forgave the people that were in my house that night. I forgave every part and piece of that night.
Today I have gone a whole year without cutting. While milestones are important and ought to be celebrated, a friend of mine reminded me that it's not about the time that's past- it's about the change in heart. Depression still has a presence in my heart and mind. One night and one year can't heal that wound, only God can. Every day is a fight, but I am so much stronger than I was a year ago and I know with the Lord on my side, I can win any battle, even when it's against myself.
I talk about my testimony a lot because I not believing in a God who literally gave me the will to live and put down my weapons is more damaging than anything I could do with a razor. But looking back at the person I was a year ago and the person I've grown to be in the love of the Lord makes me assured that anything is possible through God.
The day after I almost gave up, I stopped living for temporary joys. I looked to God and for His plans and calling on my life. I was no longer friends with the popular crowd, that bond was not only broken, but torn apart by my foolish and selfish actions.I knew I had to look to my future instead of remaining sore about my past. I looked to the thing that I had been thinking and praying about for years. I joined the Liberty University Facebook group.
I met my roommate, my best friends, my 'brother', and basically my support group for life. My strongest relationships have come out of a group that I never would have joined if not for my hitting rock bottom the night before. God's timing is truly perfect. I felt like I had nowhere to turn and no further moves to make. It was a check-mate and my king was about to be captured. It is those moments that you need to give it to God; in the moments when you have no where else to run and your hope is gone. That is when you ought to run to the God who created hope.
He has to tear down the straw walls you built to keep Him out so that He can rebuild a fortress around you. Let Him be your guard and your guide.
God has showed me nothing but love and blessings for all of my existence. Every part of my life is a living testimony to His goodness and forgiveness. Every turning point, He was pointing me towards Him and to the life that I needed to live.
Hindsight is 20/20, but the family God created for me was worth every bit of pain and more. I have never felt more loved or valued by a group of people and cannot sing my Father's praises enough for allowing me to be in their lives.
God says, "[in] this world you will have trouble. But the heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). God has not only overcome the world, but He created it and breathed life into all its inhabitants. If you ever feel like you have a problem too big or a sorrow too deep- remember the one who created everything in the world and who holds your heart after all the sorrows and pain occur. My God is not only the God who can move mountains, but the one who makes them bow down to Him at the sound of His voice. He created me and you and everything in between and He will see you through your trials all the way to a greater victory than you could ever foresee.