Cutting to the Chase
I wrote this post in about twenty minutes and then I dissolved into a puddle of tears. Tears seem to have been the theme for the past forty eight hours.
When I first started writing my blog, I really wanted to talk about high school and the transition to college. I wanted my little blog to go viral and have millions of shares and followers. I wanted to change the world through my stories and tell everyone all that Jesus has done for me.
The end goal was really to be a Christian Zoella. If I'm honest, that's always going to be my goal.
As I continued writing, I fell in love with having an online diary. Okay, maybe not a diary, but an edited memoir of sorts. I loved telling anyone who would listen what I thought about Christianity and how I dealt with my struggles. Honestly, I just wanted for someone struggling to not feel alone. Maybe I wanted to stop feeling so alone.
When I bought my website domain in October, I really felt like God was telling me to take a leap of faith and grow my blog. The blog was no longer a hobby, but a platform on which to share my faith. It was a blessing to have and an honor to maintain. And I tried to keep God front and center of my life and my work.
But I've been pushing Him further and further away from my life.
I wrote a blog post in November about how it had been a year since I'd cut. And it had.
But I got out of the habit of running to God with everything, and I suffered because I was still a child of God and no matter what I thought, I still needed my Heavenly Father. I thought that getting over the year mark was the end of my depression, but it wasn't.
For the past three months I have been cutting as a coping mechanism.
And yes, I know the psychology behind self harm.
So I cut because I thought my scars would get me attention.
I cut because I had cut and I hated that about me.
I cut to be in control of my pain and to be in charge of something in my life.
I cut to get relief from my brain and thoughts.
I cut because I had pushed God and His truth far away from me.
I cut because I felt hurt from other people and I wanted punish myself for deserving the hurt.
Sounds sick, right?
But that's where my brain has been for the past three months.
I've posted ten blogs since I started cutting again. I didn't post anything in the category 'mental health' because why would I share my suffering? I'm not perfect, why would I tell y'all how imperfect I am? Why would I talk about something so horrible, but yet I hold so close to me everyday? Why can't I just have my suffering separate from everything else in my life?
The answer to all of my questions is 'God'. God sees and knows everything in my heart and soul. He doesn't need me to share it, but He knows healing will come to my soul when I admit my transgressions. He made us imperfect so we would run to Him because He is the only one powerful enough to help us. God tells me over and over again how I need to hold onto Him instead of running to my razor when I'm hurt. He doesn't believe in separation, because I am His child and He lives in me. My body is His temple and every slash I made in my skin was a slash to His work.
And it's true.
I stopped focusing on God these past three months. I let myself disregard His voice when I needed help. I figured if I could get through a year without cutting, I had overcome the hardest part of my healing. I though my healing could be accomplished in a number of days. I believed that being in a spiritual environment like Liberty was growing my faith just fine and I didn't need to take it into my own hands. I forgot how to pray and how to worship through anything but Worship Collective lead song.
I let my self harm get in the way of my relationships, my work, and most importantly- my faith. I let my cuts be my excuses and my card I pulled when I didn't feel well. I let Satan's lies become physically manifested on my body and something Satan told me to do became my idol.
Do you know how much power Satan has? Compared to God, none. Not even a glimmer. But when you shove God to the side of your life, you have to face this thing alone and it tells you you're worthless and it says that hell won't be half as bad as the world you're living in now. And you believe it because you won't listen to the truth of the Gospel anymore. You do have power over Satan, but you need to be equipped to . And I told myself that the armor would just weigh me down.
Reader, I prayed to God to send me to hell because I just wanted to escape. Satan got to me because I stopped listening to truth. I think I wanted to believe the lies because I knew as soon as I turned to God, He would make so many changes in my soul and life.
I'm not going to tie this with a cheesy little bow, because that's not where my heart is right now. I'm not going to promise I won't cut, because eradicating the action does not eliminate the problem.
But I know that the second this blog goes live, I'm going to get a call from my mom, and I'm going to have to start being honest about where I am emotionally.
I'm going to have to start reminding myself what God says about me everyday, but also having the strength to believe His truth above Satan's lies.
I'm going to repeat myself from my other blog, but when I told my friend that it had been a year since I'd cut, he said it didn't matter. A year is just 365 numbers, conveniently placed together. Anyone can do anything, or not do anything, for a year. What matters is where your heart is during and after that year. And my heart has not been where God has called it to be for so long.
So no stupid promises, or declarations of goals- just a little girl with a broken heart telling all twelve of my readers (hi mom!) that she needs to relearn how to love herself by focusing on God.
Thanks for reading if you're not my mom. I have a lot of ideas for this blog, and I promise not all of them will be centered around my mental health. But maybe some will, if God calls me to do so and I feel it's necessary.
I love y'all, please never give up the fight like I have.
"But God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us". -Romans 5:8
"For God, who said, 'Let light shine into the darkness", made His light shine in our hearts". -2 Corinthians 4:6