The Pressure of Healing
Healing is not linear.
I constantly have to tell myself that.
I was so sure around this time last year that I was completely healed and everything was going to be okay. But in all actuality, I got baptized and I got a tattoo- and that's it.
No magical potions were taken and nothing really substantial changed.
All I really did was admit to God that I had a problem.
And I still do.
I don't know if I'll ever be completely healed, but my story doesn't have to be one of complete healing to have an impact on people.
This isn't a pity party, this is me accepting that it's okay to be broken at the feet of God.
We're all broken. We live in a broken world and our brokenness is what makes us yearn for the Father.
So many people want their testimonies to be magical fairytales where they find Jesus at their low points and He rescues them and delivers them and they never struggle another day in their life.
And Jesus can do that. And those testimonies do happen, praise God.
But there are also testimonies where we realize how broken we are and how we need to constantly go back to God and cling to Him.
And I'm okay with clinging for now.
Honestly, if I was healed completely- while I would be free from all my issues, I don't think I would be as grateful for life as I am now.
No matter how horribly my day has been, nor how graphic my nightmares, I walk through life thanking God for every second some days.
And that's a beautiful perspective I wouldn't have if I didn't have to constantly fight for my life.
I'm not saying that I'm glad I deal with suicidal thoughts or tendencies, I hate that them. But I know that every battle I have, God is on my side fighting for me.
In James, it says, "[c]onsider it pure joy. . . whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2-3).
I don't sit around begging to be sad, but I know that even if I do, I'll still be okay in the end.
I know that God has everything in His control and He will never give me more than I can handle with Him by my side. Every time I struggle, I remember that God is bigger than anything I could ever face. I just need to constantly remind myself to trust in that truth.
I think a lot of people think that a part of the gospel is that Jesus took on our sins so we wouldn't have to suffer. But Jesus clearly states in the Bible is that we will have troubles.
Jesus promises us problems in John 16:33 when He says, "You will have suffering in this world. [but] Be courageous! I have conquered the world". We will struggle, but as long as we run back to God during and after those struggles, we don't have to despair.
I need to trust that He has held me for twenty years and God will continue to hold me until I meet Him face to face at the end of my life.
But God puts resources into your life to hold you as well.
My issue is asking for help.
I've been really unforgiving to myself recently.
I hate asking for help.
Sometimes I feel like I should have been healed and I'm a bad Christian or a failure because I still struggle daily. I don't want people to question my faith or my walk because I haven't overcome something I've been fighting against for years. I don't want to appear weak when I know that I am made strong by and through my Heavenly Father.
It's hard to admit you can't do something on your own. It's hard to realize how weak you are without God and how much you need assistance.
But I'm allowed to ask for help if I need it.
I'm allowed to trust people and let them into my life to help me when I fall short.
Sometimes asking someone for help can mean the difference between life and death. Sometimes it can mean the difference between a normal day and a horrible day. Either way, usually reaching out and asking a favor is not as dramatic and huge as we sometimes make it out to be.
We're not called to live life alone. God gives us wonderful people in our paths to help and love us. We crave community and love because God made us for it.
He gives us resources so that we can continue to grow.
I've been teaching myself that people sometimes want to help me as much as I want to help them. I can call my friends when I'm struggling and it's not an imposition.
Survival sometimes requires assistance.
Healing can be counterintuitive. We assume we'll know when it happens and it will be like a light switch turning on and off. But honestly, the joy of healing that is found in the Lord is the constant need for it.
We're never done healing or growing. And that's so beautiful.